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Have you ever let the fear of criticism and disapproval hold you back from living a fulfilling life based on your own values and choices?

If so, “The Courage to Be Disliked” could be the transformative read you’re looking for.

This book champions personal growth, self-acceptance, and the liberation that comes from embracing your true self.

In this blog post, I delve into the profound paradigm-shifting lessons extracted from the book, offering a comprehensive review of its insights.

Let’s begin with a brief introduction to the book.

Book Introduction

“The Courage to Be Disliked” was co-authored by Japanese writers Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

This work explores the philosophical ideas of Alfred Adler, a renowned psychologist who stood alongside Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung as one of the leading figures in twentieth-century psychology.

Adler’s unique concepts diverged from Freud’s, leading him to develop individual psychology based on his original theories, which are meticulously elaborated upon in this book.

The narrative takes the form of a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man seeking guidance to navigate life’s challenges.

The philosopher challenges the young man’s ingrained beliefs, facilitating a transformative shift in his perspective.

This dialogue not only guides the young man but also us, the readers, inviting us to question our assumptions and explore alternative viewpoints.

Here are some of the prominent lessons from the Book:

Lessons from the Book

1. Your interpretation shapes your reality

The book highlights the power of interpretation and perception.

It suggests that it’s not the events themselves but our interpretations of them that shape our reality.

For example, Freud’s idea is that a person’s psychic wounds (traumas) cause his or her present unhappiness; however, Adlerian psychology denies trauma.

Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure.”

We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences -the so-called trauma – but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

The book teaches that the important thing is that nothing is determined by the experiences we encounter. Instead, we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences.

So, by choosing to view situations from different perspectives, we can change our outlook and responses.

2. An inferiority complex is an excuse

People enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. Adler called this the “pursuit of superiority.”

This is something you could think of as simply “hoping to improve” or “pursuing an ideal state.”

For instance, a toddler learns to steady himself on both legs. He has the universal desire to learn a language and to improve.

And all the advancements of science throughout human history are due to this “pursuit of superiority,” too.

The counterpart of this is the feeling of inferiority, where one’s not able to reach his or her ideal and harbors a sense of being lesser.

The book teaches that if the feeling of inferiority is not used in the wrong way, it can be a launch pad to promote striving and growth.

For example, if you had a feeling of inferiority about your education, and resolved to try hard, that would be a desirable direction.

The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of using your feelings of inferiority as a kind of excuse.

For example, “I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed.”

The real issue is how one confronts the reality. If what you’re thinking is, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, then instead of I can’t succeed, you should think, I don’t want to succeed.

The book teaches that we often stay bound by our inferiority complexes because we do not dare to change our lifestyles.

We are not willing to sacrifice the pleasures we enjoy -for instance, the time we spend playing and engaging in hobbies -yet we could use this time to make realistic efforts.

3. Life is not a competition

When we refer to the pursuit of superiority, there’s a tendency to think of it as the desire to try to be superior to other people; as the desire to climb higher, even if it means kicking others down.

Like the image of ascending a stairway and pushing people out of the way to get to the top.

Adler does not uphold such attitudes. Rather, he said that on the same level playing field, there are people who are moving forward, and there are people who are moving forward behind them.

That, though the distance covered and speed of walking differ, everyone is walking equally in the same flat place.

The pursuit of superiority is the mindset of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mindset of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people.

The book teaches that it’s enough to just keep moving in a forward direction without competing with everyone. And, of course, there is no need to compare yourself with others.

A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others but from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.

4. Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others

Let’s say you’ve been picking up litter around your workplace, and no one seems to notice at all. Or if they do, no one has given you any appreciation for what you’ve done or said thanks.

Now ask yourself: will you keep on picking the litter?

If you desire other people’s recognition, chances are you might stop picking up the litter.

The book teaches that this is the danger of the desire for recognition. People seek glory from others mainly due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education.

If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment.

It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, if no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action, and if no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too.

So before picking up the litter, you already had the goal of wanting to be praised. And if you aren’t praised, you’ll either be indignant or decide you’ll never do such a thing again.

The book goes ahead to say: when trying to be recognized by others, almost all people treat satisfying other people’s expectations as the means to that end.

People want to climb the corporate ladder, and seek status and fame because they wish to be recognized as somebody important by society as a whole -it’s the desire for recognition.

However, if you get that recognition, would you say that you’ve found happiness? Do people who have established their social status truly feel happy?

If you’re always trying to satisfy other people’s expectations, then you’ll live a very hard life. Because you’ll always be worried about other people looking at you and fear their judgment.

Adlerian psychology teaches that to counter this, you need to carry out the separation of tasks -which is the next big lesson from the book.

5. Separate your life tasks

The book teaches that all you can do concerning your own life is choose the best path that you believe in.

On the other hand, what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people and is not a matter you can do anything about.

If you’re worried about being judged by other people and constantly craving recognition from others, Adlerian psychology says, it’s because you haven’t done the separation of tasks.

What other people think when they see your face -that is the task of other people, and not something you have any control over.

The book also teaches what a life lie is. To explain this, here’s the example the book gave:

It isn’t your job to be liked by people at the place you work. When you say I won’t get any work done if I’m shunned by my boss or I’ve got this kind of boss, so I can’t work is a life lie.

What’s happening is that you don’t want to acknowledge your incapable self or you don’t want to work, so you create an awful boss.

However, if you had done the separation of tasks, things would be different. You would recognize that what your boss thinks of you, or the emotions he expresses towards you are the tasks for your boss to deal with himself.

All you have to do is follow through with your tasks -which are to do your very best at work.

This lesson got me thinking about romantic relationships as well. Your task is to love your partner unconditionally and show up as your authentic self -if you’ve decided to be in a relationship with them.

What your partner thinks of you, and whether or not they reciprocate your love, that’s their task and nothing to concern yourself with.

The book teaches that in general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks or having one’s tasks intruded on.

Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.

So, learn the boundary of “from here on, that is not my task.” And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.

6. Listen to the voice of the larger community

The book teaches that we should gain the awareness that we belong to a separate, larger community that is beyond the one we see in our immediate vicinity -for example, the country or local society in which we live.

Here’s an example the book gave to better understand this concept:

Suppose that you as a student, regarded the community that is “school” as absolute. In other words, school is everything to you.

Naturally, there will be occasions within that community when you run into adversity. It could be getting bullied, not being able to make friends, or not adapting to the system of the school in the first place.

That is to say, it’s possible that in the community that is your school, you won’t have that “it’s okay to be here” sense of belonging.

When that happens, if you are thinking of school as being everything to you, you’ll end up without a sense of belonging to anything.

And then, you’ll escape within a smaller community such as your home. You’ll shut yourself in, and maybe even turn to violence against the members of your own family.

By doing such things, you’ll be attempting to gain a sense of belonging somehow.

The book teaches that we should understand that there is “a more separate community” and that there is “a larger community.”

This explains that there is a larger world that extends far beyond the confines of the school. And every one of us is a member of that world.

So, if there is no place of refuge in your school, job, or home, you should find a different refuge outside the walls of that confine.

Once you know how big the world is, you will see that all the hardship you went through in whichever confinement you were in, was only a storm in a teacup.

And the moment you leave the teacup, that raging storm will be gone, and a gentle breeze will greet you in its place.

So, whenever you run into difficulties, when you can no longer see a way out, you should consider the principle that says “Listen to the voice of the larger community.”

If it is a school or a workplace, you don’t judge things with the commonsense of that community but instead follow the commonsense of a larger community.

For example, say your boss is behaving inappropriately, and for some reason, his inappropriate mannerism is overlooked in that small community called your workplace, from the standpoint of the community that is “human society,” both you and your boss are equal humans.

If unreasonable demands are being thrust on you, it’s fine to object to them directly.

7. Have confidence in people to build deeper and more meaningful relationships

Adlerian psychology states that the basis of interpersonal relations is confidence.

For example, suppose you are in a romantic relationship, but you are having doubts about your partner and you think to yourself, “I bet he’s cheating on me.”

And you start making desperate efforts in search of evidence to prove that. What do you think would happen as a result?

In every instance, you would find an abundance of evidence that he has been cheating on you: his casual remarks, his tone when talking to someone on the phone, and the times when you can’t reach him.

As long as you’re looking with doubt in your eyes, everything around you will appear to be evidence that he is cheating on you. Even if his not.

See, if you’re afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run, you’ll not be able to build deep relationships with anyone.

And if you’re thinking, I’ve placed my confidence in people in the past before, but they only deceived and took advantage of me.

The book teaches that when you’re only concerned about the times you were taken advantage of, and nothing else, you’ll place doubt at the foundation of your interpersonal relations.

You’ll live your life doubting other people -doubting your friends, and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could arise from that?

Whenever you think, if I were to have confidence in someone unconditionally, I would just get taken advantage of, you’re forgetting that -that is the other person’s task.

Carrying out the separation of tasks -as discussed earlier, returns life to an astonishingly simple form.

The book also teaches that people who lack confidence in others have not attained self-acceptance; the courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of -comes from self-acceptance.

If you can simply accept yourself as you are, and ascertain what you can and cannot do, you begin to understand that “taking advantage” is the other person’s task.

And getting to the core of “confidence” in others’ becomes less difficult.

Conclusion

“The Courage to Be Disliked” offers a wealth of transformative insights that guide readers toward a more authentic and fulfilling life, by advocating for self-acceptance, personal responsibility, and a focus on one’s own tasks.

It’s important to note, however, that adopting Adlerian psychology is no easy task.

Adler himself said, “Understanding a human being is no easy matter. Of all the forms of psychology, individual psychology is probably the most difficult to learn and practice.”

It is even said that to truly understand Adlerian psychology and apply it to change one’s way of living, one needs “half the years one has lived.”

In other words, if you were to start studying it at the age of thirty, it would take another fifteen years, until you turned forty-five to truly understand and apply Adlerian psychology to your life.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone seeking a path to self-discovery and genuine contentment.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and reflections on these invaluable lessons in the comments section below.